Dog Jokes
Here are some dog jokes. They get better (slightly!) as you scroll down…
Remember, whenever it’s raining cats and dogs…
…don’t step in a poodle!
What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him…
…It’s my fault for buying a pure bread dog.
I’ve just been on a course to help me estimate how heavy certain dogs are. It wasn’t very good…
…but I did pick up a couple of pointers.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog!”
Doctor: “How long’s this been going on?”
Patient: “Ever since I was a puppy.”
A rich Yorkshireman is mourning the loss of his beloved dog.
He decides to memorialise it by getting a cast made of it, so he goes to the jewellers and asks for a gold statue to be made in its likeness.
The jeweller asks, “Do you want it 18 karat?”
“Nay, ya daft begger!” replies the Yorkshireman, “just ‘ave im chewin a bone.”
And Some Cat Jokes
What’s a cat’s favourite pudding?
Mice cream.
What’s a cat’s favourite colour?
Purr-ple.
What’s a cat’s favourite breakfast cereal?
Mice Krispies.
Some other Animal Jokes
What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
A kangaroo is a marsupial native to Australia, and “a kangaroot” is the sound you hear when there’s a Geordie stuck in the lift.
A pair of cows are talking in the field.
One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” replies the other cow, “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
Dya-thinki-saurus
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy. The other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?
Warren.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
It’s impossible to lose a homing pigeon.
If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster.
If anything, it made it more sluggish.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call a 3-legged donkey?
A wonky.
My partner told me to stop acting like a flamingo…
…so I decided to put my foot down.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It’s either one or the udder.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
“Dam!”
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A rabbit’s fart.
What’s a budgie’s favourite breakfast cereal?
Tweetabix.
Paddy: “Look at that flock of cows!”
Murphy: “Herd of cows, you daft beggar!”
Paddy: “Of course I’ve heard of cows – there’s a whole flock of them over there!”
Why are there no penguins in England?
Because they’re all scared of Wales.
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A ba-boom!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What’s a monster’s favourite game?
Swallow the leader.
What is a frog’s favourite drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Why do giraffes have such long necks?
Because they have smelly feet.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What do you call a man with a cow poo on his head?
Pat.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?
Sir.
The local farmer asked me to help round up his 27 sheep.
“No problem,” I said…
“…thirty.”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
What did the buffalo say to his calf when he left for school?
Bison.
How did the monkey make toast?
He put it under the griller.
And Some Rude Animal Jokes
A father decides to take his young daughter to the zoo.
On arrival, they are very disappointed to find just one solitary animal in the entire zoo, a small Tibetan dog.
The little girl takes one look at the dog then turns to her father and says, “Daddy, this is a Shih Tzu.”
A penguin noticed his car was leaking oil, so he dropped it off at the garage to be fixed, then went off to get himself a Flake 99.
When he got back, the mechanic told him, “Looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“No,” said the penguin, “It’s just ice cream.”
A farmer walks up the stairs one night with a sheep under his arm. He goes up into the bedroom with it, where his wife is lying in bed.
He says, “This is the pig I have sex with when I’m not with you.”
His wife says, “You daft sod, that’s a sheep!”
“I know, ” says the farmer, “I was talking to the sheep!”